I took a break from writing at the end of August because, in the most curious of timing, I found a specialist who could help me (finally!) understand the Functional Neurological Disorder (FND) diagnosis I received 20 years ago this past July.
In 2004, when I was originally diagnosed with FND, this misunderstood diagnosis was still being referred to as “conversion disorder.” The idea being that when a person is so overwhelmed emotionally their psychological distress “converts” to physical symptoms. I was informed at the time that I had experienced a “maladjusted stress reaction.”
As an important note, as shame-inducing as this diagnosis was, this under-informed analysis was still an improvement over the previous diagnosis that involved a series of descriptive conditions preceded by “hysterical,” a word with origins steeped in the ignorance and misunderstanding of female anatomy.
My time spent with this trained specialist, a trained neuropsychologist who has dedicated her career exclusively to FND, helped me come to a fresh understanding of what was “wrong” with me, and, in an exciting first, what was right.
She helped me understand that my uncontrollable movements come from a very specific place in my brain, something that has been recently identified through advances in neuroscience. She told me that when people claim that FND is “all in your head,” she responds with, “Yes it is. And now we now exactly where in the head it is.”
In functional MRI’s (fMRI) done by the University of Bern in Switzerland, individuals with FND have been found to show changes in brain activity in an overactive amygdala (the portion of the brain that triggers fight-or-flight response) as well as a stronger connection to the motor center while processing emotion. This increased activity in motor circuits contributes to the involuntary movement. The fMRI also showed “altered engagement in the prefrontal cortex,” resulting in impaired decision-making and difficulty thinking.
There are a variety of causes for FND, including traumatic brain injuries (TBI’s) and various other trauma. But in my case, the cause of damage to my brain is stems from the decade of narcissistic abuse and high-control religion while not having access to appropriate care for the ongoing trauma which ultimately resulted in the collapse of my nervous system.
In plain speak? Being subjected to ongoing trauma while being denied basic human compassion and connection led the collapse of my nervous system and impacted my brain function.
Having taken a pause from writing about my experience to better understand said experience was life-changing!
Finally spending a concentrated amount of time with someone was truly qualified to explain what caused the damage I’ve been living with for the past twenty plus years released me from shame that has accumulated for years. Shame brought on by people who never took the time to fully understand the problem, but never let that stop them from weighing in with their inadequate solutions.
With this new understanding, I am enjoying a new level of health I had previously not believed was possible. This has also changed my approach to my upcoming book, Somewhere In The Middle: Breaking The Cycle Of Generational Trauma, providing me with a fresh understanding of how to break those cycles.
While I would not have chosen the life I’ve experienced so far, with better resources, I am feeling a renewed sense of purpose and clarity towards being the encouragement and inspiration I have hoped to be for so long.
Looking forward to this new year and all the possibilities for change and growth!
Thank you for following along with my story so far, and please be sure to subscribe in order to stay tuned for more content as I continue to share how this unique journey has reshaped my life.
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